the greatest masturbation and soccer paragraph of all time

David Hirshy, ostensibly discussing bicycle-kick goals:

So the kid would stash the magazines in a tree in Riverside Park near his home and late at night, wearing all black and camo, would risk his life by entering the dimly lit park, climb up into the tree and knock one off. "Wow, "exclaimed Relegation Zone Mikey, " a tree-beater." Not to be outdone, RZM regaled us with how he found his father's Beta porn tapes in his parent's bedroom and was thus introduced to the wonders of Seka. "She was quality," RZM said, noting that Seka was the Jenna Jameson of the late 80's, " I would bag a hat trick in the first half hour." Either RZM was inflating his numbers or he's a quicker on the draw than any of the strikers on his beloved Tottenham.

Bill Simmons (also mentioned in the piece) has A LOT to answer for.